will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
