My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
