Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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