I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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