I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
