I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
