My sheets look like a crime scene.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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