Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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