you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
