Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
