I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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