Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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