I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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