I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
