just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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