our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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