Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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