in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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