Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
