I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
