I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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