She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
