This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
