it wasn't lemon gatorade
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
