Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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