I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
