I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Randomize