my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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