I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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