as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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