we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
