This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
