i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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