just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
