Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
