I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
