I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Randomize
