Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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