Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
