Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I want her autograph on my taint
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
