so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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