Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
