The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I seem to have left my pride at pride
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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