Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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