1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
