Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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