I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
