I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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