yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
