I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
