The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
