Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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