i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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