So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
