Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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