just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My apartment stinks of burning failure
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
