the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
