Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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