I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
