Swine flu. Run for my life!
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
