I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
