I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
