I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
