This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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